#momguilt
Lately I’ve been wrestling with the concept of “mom guilt.” I’m not even sure that this phrase was used in the past. In fact, when my mom left me as a baby, I’m pretty sure she wasn’t using that term to describe her actions. Yet for me, as a mother who works diligently each day to not only show up, but to do so with utmost intention, I feel guilt each and every day. I feel like I’m never doing enough.
I’m leaning toward social media as being the perpetrator of this now-common feeling amongst mothers. With the advent of Pinterest and Instagram, we’ve been able to compare our homes, our childrens’ playrooms (Phoenix doesn’t even HAVE a playroom!), our childrens’ extracurricular activities (I mean if you’re not doing equine therapy, then you’ve really dropped the ball, mama), home cooked meals, healthy snacks, our childrens’ outfits, and even our family vacations. And even if you FEEL like you’ve done a great job at mothering that day, with a sore lower back but a gentle grin on your face, all it takes is a quick scroll through social media to snap you back to the reality that you’ve failed once again.
Today was Phoenix’s last day of 2nd grade…and if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t realize it. I thought it was tomorrow! Oh, and did I mention it was also an early release day? I’d like to chalk this up to sleep deprivation, but last night we BOTH slept like champs for a change.
Thankfully, I had already carefully curated his teacher and team thank you gifts; 6 in total. A hand sanitizer, a cute little sunflower pot, and a $10 gift card to our local coffee shop with a note that said, “Thank you for being “on guard” all year and keeping me safe! Thank you for helping me grow! Most importantly, thank you for always believing in me. I love you a latte.” And while I want to say these gifts came from a place of absolute gratitude for a year of caring for my son, it also felt like something I “had” to do; an unspoken expectation of motherhood.
I haven’t even broached the subject of special needs motherhood. Talk about mom guilt! There are never enough hours to research the topics of autism, nutrition, co-morbidities, therapies, language development, etc. Regardless of the hours I have put into research, let alone taking action to support Phoenix’s needs, it never feels like enough. There’s either ongoing issues, like sleep disturbances to troubleshoot, or there’s emerging OCD-like behaviors and gagging.
Let me be brutally honest: it’s exhausting to feel this much mom guilt; a construct grown from comparing myself to others, to never feeling like I’m DOING enough. And I’m finding that I must remind myself daily, if not HOURLY, to be more gentle with my mama heart. To recognize that I’m not alone in this feeling. That motherhood is already a high calling, and that autism has elevated that calling by a few more notches. And maybe, just maybe, I can treat those moments of mom guilt simply as data. It’s informing me of places in my motherhood that I’d like to treat with more care and consideration, rather than with a stamp of disapproval. I can hold space for wanting to be a better mama, always improving, healing, and growing in my very sacred role, but that I can also hold myself with grace…knowing that I’m always and forever just doing my best.
And maybe I can help other mamas, like you, feel the same way.
So let’s band together. Let’s stop comparing ourselves to each other, and instead, start lifting one another up. Let’s get intentional about sharing our resources and ideas…but more importantly, let’s share our hearts.