Enneagram and Autism

Autism has provided ample opportunity to explore the attributes of my enneagram type.  My sons’ needs require me to be the “helper” since it’s a 24/7 caretaking role.  And oh how I love being his mama.  When I’m at my best, I look forward to hearing his little voice each morning on the monitor.  Mornings when I awaken before I hear him, I pull the monitor next to me, turn on the screen, and watch him sleep while I pray over him.  During his waking hours I cook for him, assist him with all living skills, read with him, and sometimes even play with him.

I say “sometimes” because playing doesn’t seem to come very naturally for me.  While his dad can build race car tracks, block towers, and have make-believe battles with toy figurines, it’s harder for me to get into that state.  I can certainly color, do word searches, read aloud with great gusto, and take Phoenix on long meandering walks around our harbor.  I suppose it’s just harder for me to be childlike, when I’ve been his #1 caretaker all his life.  I wonder what it would be like to let a little bit loose; maybe disengage the propellers on my helicopter. 

At my worst, I feel anxiety creep into every part of my body, mind and spirit.  I’m flooded with fears of the future. I beat myself up for not taking better care of myself since I want to live as long as humanly possible for Phoenix. I worry about finances; how will I ever pay off my student loans?  How will we ever have “enough” funding in a trust for Phoenix after we are gone?  Will he even need a trust for his long-term care or will he be independent enough to have a career, a family?  If he has a family, will he usher me to my seat on his wedding day?  

Too many questions with so few answers. So instead of staying in this state of spiraling thoughts, I simply open a book and start reading aloud to Phoenix, with great gusto.